Thousands of people leave their churches everyday. Your church is no exception. Right now, someone is thinking about leaving. The curious thing is that the majority of those who leave, and go to another church, discover that it, too, falls short of perfection.
In part one of this article, I talked to the pastors who are considering leaving their church. I'd like to talk to you who are not pastors but are members, regular attenders, or active at some level in your church. I want to talk with those of you who are considering leaving your church. If you are in anyway unhappy, unfulfilled, questioning and or considering leaving your church please keep reading. Or if you know someone like this, forward this article.
Stories abound of people who leave their churches. Some are devastating stories of deep hurt and pain. If you heard them you would struggle to believe that Christians were involved. There are always two sides to the story, and in all cases both sides believe they are right. This isn't something new. It's just a smaller and slightly more civil version of The Holy Wars fought long ago. They may have been long ago, but the word crusade still fits. When people add religion and righteousness to their own agendas we end up with a dangerous combination. Each side believes they are right and God is backing them. Even when they know they are behaving like a two-year-old, or something closer to the devil, the "cause" justifies the actions. The topics are clear enough, such as church finances, decision-making, ministry-programming, vision, and issues of confidentiality. It's when it gets personal that things go ballistic.
Not all topics are so serious, in fact some seem comical. Once again you wouldn't believe that sincere Christ-followers are involved. But they are and they leave their church over such issues. I could write for pages on these stories. I love The Church so when I tell you some of this, it only fuels me to dig in, fight harder, and lead better! How about you? Do you want to leave or make your church better?
It's a true story, several people left their church in Texas over the choice (brand) of (free) coffee served. A number of people left a beautiful new church in the Southeast because they opened a coffee shop in the church and charged for coffee! (Everyone knows that coffee should be free for all Christians everywhere, all the time!) Let's move off the coffee theme. People left a large and well known church because parking lot attendants told them where to park. I would love to be one of those guys for just one Sunday so I could tell a couple people where to park it! Another church actually fired the pastor over a fight about whether to put chairs or pews in their new building. I was in a small church that fought over what kind of plants to put out in front of the church. And they used Bible verses to back their opinions! We smile in disbelief, but quietly our hearts break. Here's the thing, these stories seem stupid until you are the one in them. Then its real and its personal and you get mad and you consider leaving your church.
I would like you to consider these following questions before you leave your church. I have already admitted that I love the local church, so you know my bias. I believe in the church. I'd rather you not leave. Ultimately you will make your own decision. But trust me, why you leave (and the way you leave if you do) makes a big difference. And here's the key, the difference it makes in your life is bigger than the difference it makes in your local church.
My goal with these questions is not to tell you what to do. I want to get you thinking and praying as much as possible because your church matters.
Is your church meeting your spiritual needs?
Are you growing in your faith? How do you assess that? Ultimately who do you consider responsible for your spiritual maturity, you or your church? If you are a young Christian (new to your faith) your church needs to take great effort to invest in you deeply. If, however, you have been a Christian for some time, you need to mature to a level of "self-feeding" and begin to serve others. At this point your church meets your spiritual needs by helping you find a place of meaningful ministry and training you for that ministry.
Do you have warm and vibrant friendships in your church?
Christianity is not a social club, but it is relational in nature. Friendships are important. Not so much for "parties and socials" (though they are fun!) but for community and an opportunity to express authentic faith. Are you reaching out to meet new people? Are you making invitations for others to be part of your life? Do you sense a healthy give and take with your relationships?
Do you sense a heart within you that is quick to worship?
When you attend church are you excited to worship? Do you quietly prepare yourself to give your heart to God in those moments or is it just part of "doing church"? What motivates you to worship? Do you arrive on time? Do you consider it the worship team's "job" to get things going or your opportunity to jump into worship with your whole heart?
Are you on purpose or are you on personal?
This is an important question. If you have concerns about your church, do your concerns involve issues that are core to the purpose or mission of the church? Are your concerns at the epicenter of reaching people for Jesus and raising them up in their faith? Or is it more about something personal that you are passionate about? It is more about style and method than actual ministry purpose and the big picture vision of the church?
Have you used water or gasoline?
If you are frustrated about something, have you poured water or gasoline on the issue? In other words, if you were to see the issue that bothers you as a fire, and you can either make it better by throwing water on it, or make it worse by throwing gasoline on it, which are you doing?
Have you spoken with the appropriate leaders?
If you are convinced there is an issue that is core to the mission of the church -- are you a water-carrier or a gasoline-thrower in relationship to your leaders? Have you talked to the appropriate leader? Talking with anyone who will listen to complain or gossip doesn't help anything. If you have a concern, go to a pastor and talk about it directly. This conversation doesn't commit your pastor to any certain path of action, but if nothing else, you can keep your relationship right.
What is your track record as a church member?
When you look back at previous churches you have attended, what is your pattern? Were you at each church for a long time? Were you giving and serving? Did you make good friends? Did you leave for "natural" reasons such as a relocation, or did you leave upset about something?
Do you see your church as primarily a place to give or a place to get?
Ultimately a good church is a place for both giving and receiving. However, where you place the emphasis really matters. I typically encourage Christians to see the church as a place that 51% or more is about giving. As in all relationships, expectations make a difference. If you expect the church to do the majority of the giving, you will undoubtedly be let down, and for good reason, that is not a biblical pattern.
If you leave, what do you want in your next church?
We all know that there is no reality in the greener grass syndrome, except in our minds. The church is certainly included in that principle. There is no perfect church. So, before you leave think about what you hope to experience in your next church, that you are not experiencing in your current church.
Perhaps you have excellent reasons to leave and in fact the Lord has prompted you to go. But make sure you know what you believe will be better and why. What is it about your new church that will be so different? And if in a certain area(s) the new church is better to you, what about the areas that will not be better? Did you make a wise decision, or did you just trade problems from one church to another? What if you were to stay at your church and become part of the solution?
I know there are times when leaving is the right answer. But far more often staying is a better answer. Not with hopes of getting your way, but to become a team player who cares deeply about the mission and is willing to sacrifice personal rights and privileges for the greater cause.
This is a sensitive topic and I don't presume to specifically know what God wants you to do. But I do know He wants you and all of us to protect the church and do all we can to make it healthy and strong.
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