Human Emotional Needs

I would like to
share a powerful insight that I have used to help thousands of
people to understand themselves, create breakthrough changes in
their behaviours (e.g. stop smoking, quit other addictions, resolve
internal conflicts, motivate themselves) and reconcile relationship
issues.

Have you wondered why it is seems so difficult to change our
habitual behaviours? The reason is because our decisions and
behaviours are driven by our emotions more than by our logic.
Logically, we want to stop smoking or stop overeating, and yet, we
still find ourselves repeating the pattern of behaviours. Why do we
do this? It is because smoking and over eating meets our emotional
needs.

At the same time, we all logically want to have a great
relationship with our spouse or friends. And yet, we sometimes find
ourselves getting into the same patterns of arguments and
conflicts. Again, this is all caused by a mismatch of emotional
needs between well-intentioned parties.

To change any kind of behaviour, you must first understand that as
human beings, our decisions and actions are almost ALWAYS driven by
the need to meet six human (emotional) needs. This is why we
sometimes do things that don't make any sense at all. We do it
simply to meet these 6 human needs (by the way, this was developed
by Anthony Robbins). So, what are these 6 human needs?


Human Need 1: Certainty

The first human need is the need for CERTAINTY. We all need to feel
a sense of security that things will be okay. Certainty gives us
peace of mind and assurance.

Although we all have the need for CERTAINTY, we use different
behavioural strategies to meet this need. For example, when you
feel stressed, worried, unsure and uncertain, how do you meet your
need for certainty?

Some people use destructive strategies like over-eating, smoking or
drinking alcohol. Don't some people do these things to relieve the
stress of uncertainty and get into certainty? Others get certainty
by controlling other people (becoming a control freak) or by losing
their temper. In one episode of Oprah, she interviewed a woman who
handled her stress of being sexually abused by creating a multiple
personality disorder.

At the same time, there are useful strategies to get certainty.
Some people pray/use religion to get that sense of certainty. Some
people, adopt empowering beliefs like, ' I know I will get through
this' or 'everything happens for a reason' or they simply have
faith in themselves. Others get certainty through exercise,
meditation or confiding in a friend.

So, think about this? How DO you meet your need for certainty? Is
it constructive or destructive to you?


Human Need 2: Uncertainty


Now, here is the big paradox! As human beings, we have a second
emotional need that is in direct conflict with our first need. We
all have a need for UNCERTAINTY!

Think about it. If you had absolute 100% certainty in your life
where you knew exactly what was going to happen, when it was going
to happen, how it happens, before it happens every single day, how
will you feel? You will feel BORED TO DEATH. This is why there are
multi millionaires who have all the money and all the possessions
in the world, but are depressed! Their life is so certain that they
have no more challenges or surprises. No more uncertainty!

This is also why a woman/man in a perfect marriage where everything
is routine and predictable will eventually get so bored, that they
will unconsciously start picking a fight, having an affair or leave
the marriage. There is no more excitement and stimulation that we
all need emotionally.

So, how do people meet the emotional need of uncertainty (i.e.
challenge/surprise/variety) in their lives? Again, some people do
destructive things like having an affair, starting arguments,
picking up one-night stands, taking drugs, smoking when bored and
drinking to get high (yup, smoking and drinking offer both
certainty AND uncertainty).

Some of us do neutral stuff like watching a movie, playing sports,
changing jobs, making new friends or partying. This gives us the
stimulation and variety we all need.

Some constructive strategies would include taking on new challenges
(e.g. going mountain climbing, traveling, starting a business,
writing a book). So think about it, how do you meet your need for
uncertainty?


Human Need 3: Significance


The third human emotional need is the need to feel
significant/special/unique/important/needed. We all hunger for this
need and again pursue it in different ways.

Some people feel significant by attaining qualifications (e.g.
MBAs, PhDs etc..), achieving success, buying lots of toys (e.g.
bigger house, bigger car, country club, Rolex watch etc...) or
pursuing status symbols.

Others get significance by putting other people down, dressing in a
unique way or tattooing every conceivable part of their body.
Again, others feel significance by having children (and making sure
they excel and do them proud) or flaunting their wealth. Some
people get significance by being proud of certain identities they
adopt like being a Christian, a Muslim, an Army Officer, a
Vegetarian etc...

Many people have asked me why I continue to work so hard to write
so many books, spend hours writing posts on my BLOG and speak at so
many seminars when I clearly don't really need the money anymore.
The answer is that I am driven to all these things because it makes
me feel significant (useful, special, needed) and provides me the
uncertainty (challenge & variety) that I crave. It also, gives me
the 4th human need, connection and love and the 6th human need,
contribution.

Again, think about how YOU meet the need to feel significance


Human Need 4: Love and Connection


The 4th human need is in direct conflict with the 3rd human need of
SIGNIFICANCE. Think about this. If you felt TOTALLY significant
where you were so unique, so special and so different from all the
people around you. Would you be happy? No! You would feel
disconnected from the people around you.

One of our strongest needs as humans in the need to be accepted, to
be loved and connected to the people around us. Once we become so
special and unique, we will start to find ourselves losing that
connection to our peers. I can tell you that I feel that way
sometimes myself. At times I find it difficult to really be myself,
connect with people I meet because people keep expecting me to be
this perfect guru, with all the answers.

Have you ever wondered why a superstar like Britney Spears with all
the fame, money and talent in the world could end up screwing up
her life by engaging in destructive behaviours like drink driving,
drug taking that would lead to 2 divorces, losing custody of her
children and ending up in a mental institution? My guess is that
although she felt total significance, she felt unloved and
disconnected from everyone around her.

She probably could not be herself, always having to put up a front
and feeling that all the people around her were just using her. Her
need for connection and love probably drove her to mix around with
the wrong company (i.e. Paris Hilton) and engaging in destructive
behaviours that would get her the love/connection and sympathy she
was lacking.

We all need to feel love and connection and again get it through
different means. Some people get connection by getting into a
relationship, getting married, making love, joining clubs, playing
with their children, having pets, prayer (connection to God) or
hanging out with friends.

Sometimes, people even 'try' to get love and connection by
self-abuse and falling sick (studies show 90% of all illnesses are
psychosomatic). This gives them the sudden outpour of sympathy and
love that they yearn for. How do you get love and connection in
your life?

If Your Relationship is Not Happy, Here's Why...

I have found after working with many couples that whenever a
marriage breaks down, it is always because partners are not meeting
each others emotional needs.

A man (or woman) often wants to leave the marriage either because
he/she no longer feels significant, loved, certainty or uncertainty
by his/her partner. What is a very very common scenario is that
after a couple has a child, the man no longer feels the same level
of significance anymore. It seems that his wife spends all the time
with the kids, that he is no longer important. So what happens? He
rather spend his time in the office where he feels more significant
or find a girlfriend who makes him feel special again!

So, here is a point of reflection. How well are you meeting your
partner's emotional needs?

If Your Staff Are Leaving Your Company, Here's Why...

As a boss of my own company and a person who trains other companies
in bringing put the best in their employees, I have found that your
staff will only be happy and motivated to give their best when they
feel significant (they are praised often and recognized), certainty
(sense of security of their future in the company), uncertainty
(their jobs gives them variety and challenge) as well as connection
(they love the people they work with and have a sense of belonging).

Similarly, people leave a company not only for monetary reasons.
They leave when they feel a lack of security (certainty), lack of
challenge (uncertainty), lack of connection (they hate the people)
or a lack of significance (unappreciated).

Reflection: if you are a boss/team leader, are you meeting your
staff's/colleagues emotional needs to bring out the best in them?

If You Have An Addiction that You Cannot Change, Here's Why...

Finally, I have found that if you have a negative behaviour that
you find hard to change, it is only because it is being used to
meet two or more of your emotional needs. For example, if you find
yourself constantly losing your temper, it is because it gives you
a sense of significance and certainty.

If you find it difficult to stop smoking, it is probably it meets
your needs for certainty (relaxes and de-stresses you), uncertainty
(smoke when you feel bored), connection (especially if you smoke
with friends to 'fit in') and significance (makes you look 'cool').
Often, when a behaviour meets more than 2 needs, it becomes an
ADDICTION.

In my patterns of excellence programs, I show people how to break
limiting patterns of behaviours by first finding an alternative way
to meet their needs. If you do not find a new useful alternative
behaviour to replace it, you will find yourself going back to the
old habit/addiction.


The Last Two Human Needs: Growth and Contribution

You are probably wondering what the last two human emotional needs
are. Understand that the first four needs MUST be met by us
constantly. It is what drives our daily behaviours.

However, to be truly fulfilled and happy, we need to meet the last
two needs of 'growth' and 'contribution'. We need to constantly
grow by learning more and challenging ourselves to become better.
The moment we stop growing, we start dying emotionally.

Finally, we all need to contribute beyond ourselves, This is why
people like Bill Gates and Warren Buffett make all the money in the
world only to give most of it away to charity. contribution is what
gives us ultimate purpose and fulfillment in life.

To your success,
Edward Freedom